There is nothing wrong with her

I was not expecting it, yet inside I know I was. A place I considered safe but knew she frequented. I should have known that every time I stepped out with friends for a smoke I could just as easy see her as well, after all we do have a plethora of mutual friends. Could you feel her heart sink, as I could feel mine? Here she was in person next to me, neither of us having the common decency to introduce each other, because lets face it, why the hell would we? Two people, with everything in common, but the main thing connecting us is also the same thing that makes us completely inadequate at ever being friends.

It was a rather normal evening, me and some friends sitting around watching movies, then we steeped outside. We spoke of relationships and love like so many our age do, smiling and laughing when the door opened and it was as if everything in me stopped. I was not afraid, or surprised, or hurt, but rather I was enchanted? Not so much in that there is anything particularly enchanting about her , but it was like seeing a mythical creature, and there she was. In my mind for some reason I had made her out to be something extra-ordinary, but she wasn't. There she was in an outfit that Im sure could have been found at the salvation army, yet it didn't look as awful as Im sure I secretly wished it had. Her hair was a shade of red that I had never seen before, and she was generally a little overweight. What Im getting at is that she was completely normal. As she stood next to me conversing with our friends it was all I could do to not freak out, here I was in my leggings and a long striped cardigan, hair outta pace and no make up. Granted I didnt look awful, it was beyond appropriate for a night spent watching movies with my boyfriend Austin. But I couldnt stop feeling like I needed to prove to her that I was better.

I wanted to hate her, I wanted to feel a surging wave of jealousy and pride. I didn't. Instead I looked at her and saw exactly what I never wanted to, a human. There is nothing wrong with her, she is uniquely beautiful, from what Ive heard a talented writer, she struggles just like everyone else, she loves, and she has steady friendships. There is nothing wrong with her. She just so happened to love my love before me. So why the jealousy? If it were not for his experience with her, what we have would never be this strong. As I sit here writing this, he lays next to me, we are happy and content. Why all the hype about being first? I have no idea.

I judged a book by its cover, but I didn't ever intend on reading it, unfortunate for me it was being read out-loud.

Old poetry - Scarlett sheen

So tell me I'm an angle, promise me a saint

Yet through it all a cry so faint.

The fire that maims our inhibitions

The drawing and pulling against intuition

Remorse Remorse! Was the angles cry

Lost her way in the scarlet sky

Blinded by a promised light

Falling, fading into the night

Return from the ashes and never look back

Yet the belief and sorrow can't change the fact

Breathe the apathetic tyranny

The lie that fights inside of me

Remorse Remorse! Never again.

Remorse Remorse! Cries deep within

Disenchanted, the bitter illusion

Another mistake another contusion

If I'm so wrong if I'm so right

Then why justify another night

-Jane Pearre

On a side note.

I am rather frustrated by the fact that the URL I want (simply JanieBird) is taken by a cat who has not been on since 2006 only has one post, and apparently I am the only page view its ever had. *hmph*

Today

I have not updated this in over a year, and I realize I have too many random thoughts I would like to get out there to not continue with this, So here I go. :)

You might notice I have an obsession with birds, probably because as a child my mother use to call me bird, and sing me a hand crafted lullaby -

"Janie Bird, Janie Bird,

Fly away home.

Your house is on fire,

Your kids are alone"

Now now, before you start to judge my mother's seemingly morbid ways, know that it was rip-offed from an old nursery rhyme about a lady bug, and that it has come to have a rather significant meaning in my life. I'm sure if you know me you know I love travel and new experiences and am quick to fly away. However, know this, I care very deeply about anyone and everyone I come in contact with and if ever that person needed me, I would be there in a heart beat for them. So now it might make more sense. Although, like a bird, I am quick to fly away, or become distant, or simply lose touch, know that I will always fly home for my friends and family and anyone in need.